Thursday, 14 April 2011

Lawak Gler: Koleksi lawak 1

KiSah PertaMa:

Beberapa tahun lepas Sameon jumpa seorang janda bernama Semah yang mempunyai anak dara bernama Melati. Sameon berkahwin dengan Semah dan Melati adalah anak tiri Sameon. Selepas itu bapa kepada Sameon, Jamrud berkahwin dengan anak tiri Sameon, Melati.
Ini membuatkan Melati, mak tiri kepada Sameon yang sebelum ini anak tirinya. Jadi ayah Sameon, Jamrud adalah anak tiri Sameon dan memjadikan Semah sebagai Mak Mertua kepada Bapak Mertuanya.

Selang beberapa bulan kemudian, Melati anak kepada isteri Sameon, Semah melahirkan anak lelaki, Jarul. Jadi Jarul dalah adik kepada Sameon. Tetapi Jarul adalah anak kepada Melati, anak kepada isteri Sameon, Semah. Menjadikan Jarul adalah cucu kepada isteri Sameon,
Semah. Sekaligus menjadikan Sameon datuk kepada Jarul, adiknya. Itu tak seberapa lagi.

Selepas itu, Sameon dan Semah mendapat anak bernama Jayzee. Sekarang Melati, anak tiri Sameon dan juga Mak mertua Sameon menjadi kakak dan juga nenek kepada Jayzee. Jadi ayah Sameon, Jamrud menjadi abang ipar kepada anak Sameon yang mana kakak ipar Jayzee adalah isteri kepada ayah Sameon, Jadi sekarang, Sameon adalah abang ipar kepada emak mertuanya, isteri Sameon,
Semah adalah makcik kepada anaknya sendiri, Melati... Anak Sameon, Jarul adalah sepupu kepada ayah Sameon, Jamrud dan Sameon adalah datuk kepada dirinya sendiri... muahahahahahahahhahaha... .isk isk isk... .. nennooo nennooo..neenooo..nenoooo.. phewiiittttt tebabooooooooooo.. aku pening... .... aku sindiri naik fening menterjemahkan semua nih!!

KisaH keDua:

Child: “Hello?”

Daddy: “Hi honey. It’s Daddy. Is Mommy nearby?”

Child: “No Daddy. Mommy’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

Daddy: “Honey, you don’t have an Uncle Paul.”

Child: “Yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy.”

Brief Pause.

Daddy: “Okay, honey. I want you to put the phone down on the table and run upstairs. Knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

Child: “Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

Moments later the little girl comes back to the phone.

Child: “I did it, Daddy.”

Daddy: “What happened, honey?”

Child: “Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and began running and screaming. She tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

Daddy: “Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?”

Child: “He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. Then he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

Daddy: “Swimming pool? Is this 03-4865731?”

Kisah keTiGa:

Name: Ah Mei
Age: Still young
Sex: Never. Still under age
Religion: I only have experience praying my cat who
dead 2 years before
Race: I love to race, how you know?
Nationality: I don't like National, I prefer Sanyo
IC Number: 6735
Telephone number: House no telephone
Hand phone number: 3310
Address: Penang Jelutong
City: Nor Haliza?
Postcode: I never post anything
State: In my family, I am 2nd
Country: I love to travel to Canada
Marriage status: Secret
Email Address: Hotmail
Education Background: My teacher said not bad
Working experience: Last time got sell pirated VCD
Father's name: Daddy
Father's IC: You ask him
Mother's name: Mummy
Mother's IC: You ask her
Current Salary: Depends on my daddy mood
Expected Salary: As much as you can pay
When can start work: Depends on my mood
Highest qualification:Ya, very high
Grade: Ya, very high
College/University: College
Signature: Can I use chop?

KisAh KeEmPat:

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? ( anyone)
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan (someone) And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent..

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's
this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan ( no one ) was
involved in an accident.. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being
sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then
the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't
have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee. (sorry)

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry.. Now give me your name!!

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